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President Bush wants to keep a contested provision in his global AIDSpackage in which one-third of all prevention spending goes toabstinence...

SHELTON, CT—According to family members, ever since area father Gerry DiCenzo purchased a 52-inch HD LCD television last month, he has refused...

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

WASHINGTON—"If the ecosystem is destroyed or the world sinks into perpetual war, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it," said soon-to-be-born Samantha Jacobson.

AURORA, IL—Plaza Diner patron Roger Trabers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the...

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Former Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney has endorsed John McCain for their party's nomination. What do you think?

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—"I just want to thank the Ledger family for giving me this opportunity," Blake Yardley said. "I'm sure they knew of his passing well before I did."

TOKYO, HONG KONG, SEOUL—"Our worst monthly drop; rate cuts make investors flee—to commodities," Nikkei index vice commissioner Fukako Mishima said in haiku last week.

DALLAS—According to a study published Monday by the American Heart Association, people who frequently start sentences with the phrase "don't...

Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd delivered a speech in Parliament in which he apologized to the country’s indigenous people for past wrongs....

TEMPE, AZ—Claiming he was initially excited at the prospect of playing for a legitimate championship contender, new Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O'Neal admitted Monday that, upon reading about the phenomenon of massive stellar explosions...

Fellow employees, I know that many of you feel frustrated, angry, and confused about this company's new insurance provider, BirchStreet.com Health...

I am not prejudiced. Far from it. What I am—or, I should say, who I am—is a man who loves his country so deeply that he is...

MAPLEWOOD, MO—"It is beginning to appear that any long-term solution may have to involve deployment of the disciplinary squirt bottle," said one U.N. investigator.

DETROIT—Since its installment last August, the towel-shaped plot of grass has turned what was once a run-down community into a thriving, picturesque oasis.