[scarymoose]

A search for schnitzel yields a fast-food find that's sure to raise a furor

by Alan Abel - April 20, 2006

It wasn't Frank Lloyd Wright's architecture school, Taliesin, in Spring Green, Wis., that interested me on a recent trip to the midwest, but Frankenmuth in nearby Michigan. There, a Disney Bavarian-style architecture prevailed, with flowers everywhere and strudel, schnitzel and sausage on every menu. Frankenmuth was rumored to have the best frankfurters in town on a certain back street. Hot dogs being a favorite food of mine, I sought it out.

I passed a store called Bonners where there's Christmas every day of the year. Finally, there it was, a quaint diner: "Hitler's Drive-In." I thought, how brave! Surely nobody's named "Hitler" anymore. Who would choose such a hateful name for their establishment?

On entering, the man greasing the griddle turned. How startling! He looked just like the dictator himself, down to the moustach and the piercing, angry eyes. Perhaps I had walked onto a film set for Rod Serling's Twilight Zone .

"Mr. Hitler?" I asked. "Call me Adolf," he commanded. "You wouldn't happen to be related to the famous Adolf of World War II fame?" I asked. He smiled as he slowly lowered a string of wieners into a pot of boiling water and, as if for the millionth time, told me his story.

"After Werner von Braun and his team of scientists had given Germany Vl and V2 bombs, they actually pioneered the cloning process. My father encouraged them to experiment; he even provided his own skin and blood samples in 1945.

"When the war ended, the scientists cloned me in a test tube and after birth I was quietly placed with a family on a farm in Maastricht, Holland. They raised me until 1995. Then I emigrated to Frankenmuth with enough Swiss money, hoarded by my dad, to open this drive-in."

I asked if he had one or two coconuts to guide him through life (the Fuehrer only had one). At this Adolf smiled, looked down and then held up two fingers.

Today's Hitler shows none of the anger his demonic father spewed. Nor does he have any compassion for him or his unspeakable horrors. Nevertheless, he is Adolf Hitler Jr.

There are still remarkable similarities between the two men. The present-day Hitler paints watercolors and his artwork hanging behind the counter is for sale at reasonable prices. I bought a brilliant canvas of Dresden burning for $100.

Adolf Jr. is unmarried but has a lady friend, Eve Brown. She was cloned from Eva Braun and Americanized her name. Raised by a family in the Yorktown section of New York City, Eve speaks perfect English. A bit shy, it took some coaxing to get her out of the tiny kitchen where she does much of the cooking.

Eve, also 50-ish and attractive, joined us at the table to express a few opinions. "We should remember history lest we repeat the past. The terrible tragedy of Iraq is proof that genocide can happen again. Although Saddam Hussein is no Adolf Hitler," Eve said with some scorn. She wiped a tear from her eye and continued. "My mother's lover had impeccable taste. He stole only the finest paintings and jewelry, plundered rich cities and targeted the wealthiest banks and merchants. Like Robin Hood he gave to the poor."

When Adolf nodded in agreement, I pointed out that his father's death squads also rounded up the Jewish population, stole their possessions and sent them to the gas chambers.

"Don't forget," he responded, "the deportations were carried out by one of their own, Adolf Eichmann. You can't blame all of Germany any more than you would condemn all Israelities because one of their people gunned down Itzak Rabin."

He argued further that the Hitler Youth never turned their guns on classmates such as America's school children are now doing. When I asked why we had these young killers, Eve promptly replied, "All kids are spoiled. They have never learned how to separate media hype from real life. So their little minds become cluttered with sound bites and an obsession for violent video games, drugs and acid rock."

"Eve," Adolf interrupted, "the pumpernickel is burning!" He threatened her with a spatula. "There will be punishment."

"Such a sour Kraut," Eve said with a wink.

"Ach Tung," he cautioned. "Take that smile off your face. Here's another tour bus coming."

They both gave the Nazi salute as tourists aimed their cameras. Then Adolf and Eve did a mock goose-step that brought peals of laughter. One old-timer leaned out the window and shouted, "I can't wait until I develop this picture and send it to Jay Leno. He'll never believe it!"

Encouraged by the success of Seinfeld 's Soup Nazi, Adolf Jr. has already sold franchises for Hitler's Diner in Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and is about to sell one in Connecticut.

[dan, muthafucka!]

only in America...

[budslide]

ummmmmm

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what?

[elroypornlab]

That has too be some straight bullshit. Still I wonder how the sausage was?

[budslide]

scary did you by chance get this out of The Onion?

[scarymoose]

http://www.fairfieldweekly.com/gbase...oid=oid:152231

[elroypornlab]

So is this a reliable source for news

[scarymoose]

i dont know if its reliable
it might be fake or real but either way i thought it was funny