It's hard to imagine a man less-suited to wear the mantle of President of the United States of America than Mike Huckabee. The long shot Republican Presidential candidate and former Arkansas Governor is an unrepentant hillbilly who brags about cooking squirrels in popcorn poppers. He and his unspeaking wife, who looks perpetually startled, have raised a family of extremely
large sons known for their largeness and propensity for torturing stray dogs.
Naturally, I love Mike Huckabee, and when I learned an acquaintance of mine by the name of Jared was an honest-to-god Huckabee supporter I felt the need to prank him. This prank represents the culmination of more than two weeks of harassing instant messages in which I impersonated a fictional Huckabee campaign update service called "Huckalerts". I sent him approximately 30 Huckalerts over the course of those two weeks and many were received without comment from Jared.
What follows is his final battle with Huckalerts.
Huckalerts: Hi! Huckalerts is your source for Mike Huckabee information and updates.
Mike Huckabee is currently in VIRGINIA. Upcoming events in VIRGINIA include:
* HUCKASTOP - CATCH FORMER GOVERNOR HUCKABEE AT THE SAINT BATTROID'S CHURCH OF THE SOLIPSISTIC REDEEMER. HE HAS SOME COMMENTS ABOUT GAYS AND A JOKE ABOUT EATING A FRITTER. HE WILL BE THERE FROM 7:00 PM TO 6:30 PM.
* HUCKASTOP - MIKE HUCKABEE WILL BE STOPPING TO CHAT WITH VOTERS AT D'ARTAGNAN'S CORINTHIAN BUBBLE DINER IN CORNHOUSE, VA FROM 8:00 TO 9:00 PM. HE WILL BE AVAILABLE AFTER HIS COMMENTS TO HUG A BITCH.
* HUCKABEE TALKS TO BABIES - 300 BABIES OF ALL COLORS IN A ROW + MIKE HUCKABEE = CAMPAIGN EVENT OF THE SEASON. BE THERE AT FORT LARAMO CANYON BATTLER HIGH SCHOOL ON FEB. 10 AT 11:30 PM.
Thank you for using Huckalerts! If you wish to unsubscribe from Huckalerts reply to this message with the word UNSUBSCRIBE. If you want to subscribe to Huckafacts reply to this message with the word FACTS.
Jared: Unsubscribe
Huckalerts: HI! Huckalerts has received a message from you, but we're not sure what to make of it! Your message was
Unsubscribe
Did you mean to type UNSUBSCRIBE?
Jared: Yes
Huckalerts: Hi! Thank you for subscribing to Huckafacts! We are glad you are excited about Mike Huckabee!
Did you know...MIKE HUCKABEE SUPPORTS TOBACCO BIODIESEL? IT'S A HUCKAFACT!
You can donate to Mike Huckabee's campaign at MikeHuckabee.com. Join the Huckaarmy.
Jared: UNSUBSCRIBE
Huckalerts: You have UNSUBSCRIBED from the Huckaarmy mailing list! We're sorry to see you desert your post, soldier. Please enter a reason for betraying your fellow Huckawarriors.
Jared: UNSUBSCRIBE
Huckalerts: Hi! Huckalerts has received two messages from you in a row that we can't understand. If you would like to speak to a live representative then type HUCKAHELP.
Jared: huckhelp
Huckalerts: Was that HUCKAHELP?
Jared: yes
Huckalerts: Hi! Thank you for joining the Huckahelp volunteer activism group! We provide updates and information about how you can contribute to the Huckacause in your area.
In ILLINOIS we currently have NO EVENTS scheduled.
These events include:
* PLACEHOLDER EVENT - NULL EVENT - EVENT TEXT GOES HERE
If you wish to unsubscribe from Huckahelp please type UNSUBSCRIBE. If you have any questions you can speak to a live representative by typing HELP.
Jared: HELP
Huckalerts: Thank you for requesting live assistance! We can't wait to talk to you about Mike Huckabee. Please be patient.
Huckalerts: Hi!
Jared: hello
Huckalerts: What can I do for you?
Jared: i want off your huckabee list
Huckalerts: According to the system here you have already unsubscribed from the Huckaarmy. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Jared: YES I want off your fucking lists
Huckalerts: Ma'am, no need to use vulgarity.
Jared: IM A GUY JUST TAKE ME OFF THE LISTS
Huckalerts: I'm sorry, ma'am. Give me a second and I will have a look.
Jared: god
Huckalerts: Heh, not god, ma'am, just Huckalerts support staff.
Jared: FU
Huckalerts: Oookay, I called up your Huckafile and it is telling me you subscribed to the entire Huckawire service, which includes Huckalerts, Huckafacts, Huckaarmy, and Huckajokes.
Jared: nope, never subscriped to anything
Huckalerts: Well, I believe you. We both know how crazy computers and things can get. Let me check your status.
Jared: come on just take me off
Huckalerts: You have a check next to Huckawire, but it won't unclick. Weird.
Jared: can you just fucking take me off the list I gotta go
Huckalerts: Well hang on now, little lady. Don't go blowing up at me. I'm just the messenger.
Jared: sry
Huckalerts: Alright, it says here you DID unsubscribe from Huckaarmy. It seems like that's somehow jammed it so you can't unsubscribe from Huckalerts. Let me go ahead and re-subscribe you to Huckaarmy and then when you get the signup message try typing UNSUBSCRIBE.
Jared: UNSUBSCRIBE
Huckalerts: No, it's still me, you have to close the window and wait for the message.
Jared: ok
Huckalerts: Hi! You're in the army now! The Huckaarmy that is! It's time to take the fight to all of the people in the media and in rival campaigns who want to put a stop to the real vertical leadership Mike Huckabee has to offer.
Current Huckaarmy events in your area of ILLINOIS include:
* UNSUBSCRIBE - PLACEHOLDER EVENT - UNSUBSCRIBE EVENT - TYPE UNSUBSCRIBE TO LEARN MORE
If you have any questions, please type HUCKAHELP.
Jared: UNSUBSCRIBE
Huckalerts: You have requested more information about the Huckaarmy event in UNSUBSCRIBE, ILLINOIS.
* THERE IS NO ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ABOUT THIS EVENT!
Thanks for your request! Fight on! If you have any questions, please type HUCKAHELP.
Jared: hUCKAHELP
Huckalerts: You are already a member of Huckahelp, Mike Huckabee's volunteer activism group! There are currently NO event updates available.
Remember to visit MikeHuckabee.com and contribute to his campaign
.
Jared: FUCKYOU
Huckalerts: Did you type HUCKAFUN? Huckafun is a growing community of moms and kids for Mike Huckabee supporting grassroots events and get-togethers all across the United States. If you wish to subscribe to Huckafun then type HUCKAFUN and send us a message!
***Jared has logged off or is no longer available