[Unholy]

Inspired by the Chuck Noris thread.


I saw this on the internet and 'Find And Replaced' With unholy









Unholy is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Unholy
Unholy sleeps with the lights on not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him

Unholy doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Unholy
Unholy can slam a revolving door.

Onions do not make Unholy cry. Unholy makes onions shit themselves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Unholy allows to live.

Unholy once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Unholy goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Unholy was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Unholy!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Unholy could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed 2 pound from Unholy and forgot to pay him back.

Unholy played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Crop circles are Unholy's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Circles exist because Unholy beat the crap out of some squares.

Unholy can divide by zero.

Unholy is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of wall tennis.

Unholy has two speeds: walk and kill.

Unholy once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV, and the game beat itself out of fear.

You are what you eat. That is why Unholy's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Unholy can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Unholy is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Unholy smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Unholy is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

When Unholy deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

If you were to lock Unholy in a room with a microphone, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Unholy replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

When Unholy has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Unholy only masturbates to pictures of Unholy

Unholy doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Unholy lost his virginity before his dad did.

Unholy sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Unholy roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Unholy does not sleep. He waits.

If you ask Unholy what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Unholy was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Unholy omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Unholy can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

If you can see Unholy, he can see you. If you can't see Unholy, you may be only seconds away from death.

Unholy has counted to infinity - - twice

A blind man once stepped on Unholy shoe. Unholy replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Unholy!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Unholy.

Unholy can touch mc hammer.

Unholy appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Unholy replied, "That's no glitch."

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Unholy and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Unholy uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Unholy instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Unholy
It was once believed that Unholy actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Unholy himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Unholy

When Unholy was denied a Bacon and egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:32am, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Unholy drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Unholy doesn’t take a bite out of crime. he eats it whole and demands seconds.
Unholy won Jumanji without ever saying "Jumanji". He simply beat the shit out of everything that was thrown at him until the game forfeited

[heat_blitz]

Hahah, quite funny.