[Tasha]

today i met someone I hadn't in a long time...it was a good ole friend of mine...

Someone I hadn't seen in forever, I hadn't seen this person is years...and when we started talking, the usual shit came up...y'know, how you are doing...how you feeling, everything...but then they said. "...you seem different..like you've changed again."

The person know I had used drugs...still do...am very heavy into it..but it wasn't like the usual your personality changed....they were calling me out.

They were saying to me, "you put on another face again."

I knew what they meant, they were saying how I purposely changed myself, I tell things about myself that were a bit hazy and fuzzy just so that they couldn't ever get through all the bullshit I put up just so I'm not afraid taht people are going to hurt me and find out who I really am. I never liked myself. I never will I bet. I have too much shit that I hate that I ain't comfortable with me being me.

So I lie, I crumble, I remold myself, I put on another face. All in some effort insane effort that I can run away from everything, and not have anyone really know who I am...but in the end, it leaves me depressed, lifeless, and without anything more to look forward too than the face of someone who is ashamed. I hate that feeling. But I go through with it...cause I'm too scared of what people will say to me if they find out who I really was. The really eccentric side that I hide, the part of me that no one really sees, or the part of me who really fucking doesn't give a shit, the rude side of me,...you know what I'm getting out.

But the more I think about it...the more I think, maybe this is me. Maybe all of the face, masks, walls, shields, everything I put up, is a part of me...but than I shake my head, no, it's not...and I guiltfully go back to what I was doing before.

[Tasha]

..btw, you can delete this if you want.

[Boondock]

wtf are you talking about man?

[Tasha]

meh, just shit in general..

My head is fucked up right now...

[smoke_the_dank]

TEENAGE BULLSHIT.

I dont mean that in a rude way at all. this shit you WILL grow out of. I promise you that.
just keep on truckin, and you will figure out who you are.
shitty thing is you will deny that its teenage bullshit, you wont get it untill youre past this point. I was told the same shit when I was younger, I didnt listen because I didnt think the advice was right. but lo and behold, I grew out of it, I became comfortable with myself and I figured out who I am.


just ride the shit out, do what you gotta do, and time will give you comfort.

[Tasha]

I hear you...but this shit is fucking annoying the fuck out of me.

I can't ever really be comfortable enough with myself to do shit at all...so whatever. I think I'll go to more shit drunk from now on.

Bye bye Tomo the stoner, hello tomo the alcoholic.

[Pigwax]

you are kinda vague in this rant, but... all i can gather from this, is that you are not comfortable with your sexuality to keep it out in the open with people you know?

if so, this probably stems from all the jokes about it... i know you've probably heard this before, but no matter what it is, you shouldn't worry so much about what others think... you don't have to please society all the time. whatever you hide from people, you'll just feel worse and worse because you are not being who you want to be...

[smoke_the_dank]

cant really say thats not an option, cause thats what I did all through HS.


dude, really you will get over this. just work on it, you know what you want from yourself. work slowly at it.

[smoke_the_dank]

Originally Posted by Pigwax

you are kinda vague in this rant, but... all i can gather from this, is that you are not comfortable with your sexuality to keep it out in the open with people you know?

sexuality?


I may have jumped in over my head.
I was gathering more of social axiety and low self esteem...

[Lucian]

As Dank mentioned, this feeling will pass with age and experience. If you can't wait that long then you have to find out why you don't like yourself. If it is things you feel compelled to do that you think you need to hide or deny then re-evaluate why you judge yourself in such a bad light. Most teenage angst, like shyness, just comes from a lack of self esteem or pride which comes from lack of experience. Eventually, you get old enough where you have done enough fucked up shit and got through it all by yourself which is where confidence comes from and you get to the point where you don't give a phuck what anybody thinks cause you realise most people are worse of than you to begin with and each have their own little troubles they hide. In reality it is these little differences and quirks that make us unique. If I were you, I would not work on hiding stuff so much as trying to find out what makes you happy and then discover the reasons why you judge yourself the way you do. Yes, there will always be ignorant, angry people who will judge you poorly but, also, with age you get the freedom to not hang around these types of people. Till then, I would think about why you hide things and work out a way to become comfortable with who you are and at the least not hide from yourself. Everyone has a mask but no one wears it when they are comfortably alone. You can hide things for the time being from the world until you get your feet under you but don't hide things from yourself as that only makes things worse in a viscous circle of hiding, guilt,hiding,guilt. Nobody can be happy like that. Hope this makes sense and if not, sorry about the babble, I am bored at work.

[drukqs]

Just hit a bowl my friend

No but seriously.. You need to start acting like yourself.. Youll find that people will like you, and it will bring your true friends closer to you, and push the fake ones away...

[luvSUBLIME]

Off topic: I was disappointed cus i thought this was gonna be an Oasis thread...and I <3 Oasis.


But first thing you gotta do is maybe try living sober for a while. I know that sounds like some BS from a bunch of stoners, but really you've gotta know who you are before you start experiencing that whole other world of altered states. The more you smoke/drink/get strung...the more time you're avoiding your true self. You just gotta go out there and live. Make good friends, make bad friends. Get shitty jobs, then find better ones. But really the only way to find out what you ARE, is by doing things and figuring out what you're NOT.

[Ta'veren]

did he just tell us that he lies to us about himself all the time?

[Boondock]

just be yourself man. you shouldn;t put on a "face" for any fuckin body. thats one thing i refuse to do. i will not and have not acted like someone i am not. if people don't like me they can fuck right off

[MexicanGreen]

u just havent found yurself yet... give it time and fuck anyone that calls u out the first time they see u in like 5yrs thats not the people u wanna be around anyway

[Imperialgodfly]

Yeah, I can't really add anything, I think everything that needed to be said has already been said, but anyone who meets up with you for the first time in 5 years, and then prompty attacks who you are, needs to take a good long look at themself...not you......it's true about the masks thing, I guess when you're younger you try out lots of different things until you find who you are, or like me, you try to hide yourself from other people and act in a way they expect...listen to STD, when he says this is a thing pretty much all teenagers go through to a certain extent, in time, you get to a point where you say 'fuck it' and start to really feel more comfortable with who you are, and no longer feel so insecure at the core that you feel you need to alter yourself....

At the end of the day, if people don't like you fuck them, I don't think there's anyone out there who can say they've never met someone who disliked them, it's just the way people are unfortunately, but just for the record, I REALLY like you, and I wish we could meet up and blaze many some day....take care man..........gotta go pick up da maggit from work now................

K
-x-

[Pigwax]

see? you don't have to feel insecure, ya big fag... ... everyone loves you

[mooglekexin]

I like you too man, i dunno what part of you is showing when we speak online but its the real me, and sadly the internet is the only time i am straight with people, i suck at real life, hence my hiding away on teh internet and in computer games and in book and in tv programs the whole time... i've been having the exact same feelings recently, somedays NOTHING, not even the tiniest thing about humanity makes sense to me... i hope to god i will get over it, most other ppl seem to but i can't help but feeling i might never :/ aaaaaaaaaaargh

[TheBagman]

dude your cool shit tomo...don't let anyone even yourself tell you otherwise!