[IVY]

Handy Guide to Deciphering Personals Ads


* WOMEN'S ADS

o 40-ish - 49
o Adventurer - Slept with all your friends
o Athletic - No tits
o Average looking - Has a face like a basset hound
o Beautiful - Pathological liar
o Contagious Smile - Does a lot of Ecstasy
o Educated - Banged her Political Science professor
o Emotionally Secure - Medicated
o Feminist - Fat ballbuster
o Free spirit - Junkie
o Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as a slut
o Fun - Annoying
o Gentle - Comatose
o Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
o New-Age - All body hair, all the time
o Old-fashioned - Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
o Open-minded - Desperate
o Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
o Passionate - Sloppy drunk
o Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
o Professional - Certified Bitch
o Redhead - Bad dye-job
o Reubenesque - Grossly Fat
o Romantic - Looks better by candle light
o Social - Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
o Voluptuous - Very Fat, Weight proportion w/ height.
o Hugely Fat - as tall as you are wide
o Wants Soulmate - Stalker
o Widow - Drove first husband to shoot himself
o Young at heart - Old bat

* MEN'S ADS

o 40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
o Athletic - Watches a lot of NASCAR
o Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
o Educated - Will patronize the shit out of you
o Free Spirit - Banging your sister
o Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nookie
o Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
o Good looking - Arrogant
o Very good looking - Dumb as a board
o Honest - Pathological Liar
o Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
o Likes to cuddle - Insecure mama's boy
o Mature - Older than your father
o Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
o Physically fit - Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
o Poet - Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
o Sensitive - Cries at chick flicks
o Very sensitive - Gay
o Spiritual - Got laid in a cemetery once
o Stable - Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
o Thoughtful - Says "Excuse me" when he farts