[IVY]

Rules to help Men Understand Women

* Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.

* Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.

* "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.

* Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.

* Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You're losing your hair -- face it.

* An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea of a good time.

* "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.

* Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.

* You have enough ballcaps.

* You have too many t-shirts.

* You're too old to wear a goatee.

* Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one -- we've all heard it.

* A hug is not always a prelude to sex.

* When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.

* Your best friend is an idiot

* Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.

* If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.

* Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.

* A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

* Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.

* A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.

* Slapping us on the butt and saying "how bout getting me a cold one" is not foreplay.

* The missionary position is best left to missionaries.

* Rolling over and mumbling "I've got to get some sleep" does not produce an afterglow.

* If it was really good for me...you wouldn't have to ask.